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Writer's pictureMako Barr

33. Fighting Something

Owen has one more week of break time before the next round of chemo starts.


Family members have converged to the house to be with him and he is in great spirits. It is absolutely wonderful to see him go to bed smiling and so happy.

The Muffin arrived late last night and has brought joy! So amazing what this little one can do!


I am just a mess! Threw my back out a few weeks ago and I’ve been masking it the best I can at work and at home. I don’t know what is going on with me but I am in a constant state of exhaustion. I am no doctor or psychologist but I feel that I am fighting myself all the time while trying to be the best everything that I can be. Maybe this is what a high functioning depression looks like. Well this fight that I can’t see or describe had made me realized that I am no good broken and I reached out to my provider to get a referral to mental health.


I had to take an examination this week for the VA to get a certification to be a primary care provider for Owen. I think that was the push that got me calling my PCM because there was a constant topic of burnout. In my life thus far, I’ve told myself that “burnout” is all in the mind. If you don’t give into the idea, there is no burnout. I’m in this place where I can’t figure out why I’m struggling so much. And because of that, I need help from someone that can shed some light.


I’ve never been a fan of the doctors office. It’s a place you rarely get good news and so I’ve avoided it like a plague. Since Owen’s hospitalization, I had that rude awakening that got me to realize that I need the doctors to keep us ahead of Owen’s fight.


I haven’t seen the Munchkin or the Muffin in over a month because of the drama that was our floor reconstruction. As exhausted as I was last night, the Muffin’s presence brought me a flash of energy and sheer joy. The Muffin danced for us last night and I was laughing because she is the cutest thing alive!!


The Muffin didn’t forget her Ji-ji or her Nana. She came straight for us with arms raised. I know the Muchkin can’t wait for the Muffin to be a little more self sufficient but I just want time to freeze. I want to live in this moment for a while.


Owen and his father are at the clinic getting Owen’s labs drawn at this moment. I’m praying all looks good.


I just got a breeze that I welcome after a week of miserable over a hundred degrees weather for the week. We are a little closer to being done with this summer. Maybe another month of yuck.


My work team and my boss M have been a much needed group of support. This week my Battle Buddy, G, and my work BFF, L, just had a great session of offload which we really didn’t realize we needed. I am so blessed at work. I can’t have a better group of people around me.


Well, looks like I gotta get off this thing to get going.

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